A Side of C

Includes my only song about masturbation. Unless all songs are. Also, an instrumental is attacked by helicopters. 'Down in Baghdad' is followed by a final It's Over-ture. Plus, a short film about maniacs.

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The Calendar Princess  

He’s a testifier. With a teste fire. 


Pounding like thunder from behind the locker door 
She is up against the wall while sprawled across the floor
She hangs like dangling fruit and is always on my mind 
It’s a full frontal attack or I’m taken from behind  
She changes her form in an endless lunar cycle 
A full moon shines when the devil’s hands are idle 
All the days of June haunt clear through September 
Some months will always always be remembered
No, she’s a tack-hanging predator and no one’s toy 
only posing as docile and coy… but no 
Remember what you’ve been shown 
She’ll wait til you’re alone 
then she’ll turn your blood to bone! 

She’s got us lads surrounded popping out from every wall 
She is draped across the hood and sneaking in the stall 
Some keep her at their peril and face a holy dread
If she were found in the closet or hidden under the bed  
I like to keep her whereabouts always in plain sight 
If I have to hold a vigil all throughout the night 
Images of April linger all the way through May
maybe take on the whole year in a single day 
I shall have my way and she shall have my will 
Is it so she can chalk up one more kill? Cuz I’m beat… 

She’s the huntress of the wankie lads 
stalking all the bachelor pads 
Or anyone whose got the nads!

You can walk away 
turn your back and say
She is safely tucked away 
but she’s loose and you’re the prey 

Huntress of the wankie lads 
Stalking all the bachelor pads 
She will wait til you’re alone 
She will turn your blood to bone 

blood to bone! blood to bone!
Good to wood! Good to wood! 

You might think you’re the prize 
underneath your cozy sheet
In those unblinking eyes 
you’re just a piece of meat 
Piece of meat! Piece of meat! 

She will squeak softly and 
carry your stick in hand 
You’ll confess you’ve been good 
then she’ll turn your blood to wood 
Figures once you’ve been shown
You’ll be her helpless drone 
This is the crime that pays
We’ll give her thirty days 

I feel I’ve been robbed 
No authorities to turn to
I could call the boys in blue 
but they might say me too 
She’ll never face a redress 
Or challenge in the free press
Twelve aliases to hide in 
I may as well stop cryin’ 
Yet never will I confess
That I left a wee mess… 

yes we left a wee mess 
on the calendar princess
yes we left a wee mess 
on the calendar princess 


The Hunt for Meat, the Larder of Love 

Some days, these synthesized orchestra instruments sound pretty good. Other days they are just an electric buzzing sound. This buzz is identified as a Soprano Sax. It helps the illusion to read the names. 



The Festering of Baghdad 

The cast of buzz sounds in order of appearance: Accordion, English Horn, Clarinet, Strings, Bassoon, Harp, Honky Tonk Piano, Tuba, Theatre Organ, Trombones, and Piccolo. 

Lyrics to Down in Baghdad… 

The world is a mess down in Baghdad 
and we know why down in Baghdad 
Those wankie boys here in Baghdad 
follow the smoky sky to downtown Baghdad 

The world’s a mess and we know why 
those playful lads who smoke the sky 
They kissed the girls and made them cry 
No pity for those boys who’ll have to die down in Baghdad 
Right here in Baghdad 

We f*cked em ‘up down in Baghdad 
Then we bagged them up down in Baghdad 
We f*cked ‘em real good here in Baghdad 
pity the boys will have to die right here in Baghdad 
Down in Baghdad 
Right here in Baghdad 


Epilogue: Dickland Promotional Film 

It’s only the soundtrack.  


If you’re a dick then come and play
where madness is the only way
in Dickland
here we’re quenching every thirst
just as long as dicks come first
in Dickland 
Come and join our boyhood dream
some dames will liven up the scene
and damn us all
to Dickland
until the shit hits the fan
come and smoke em while you can
in Dickland 
Those maniacs who blew it up are back in town
so give it up for Dickland 
Bop bop sha-boom! 

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