THE PARABLE OF THE RUNNING OF THE ADULTERESSES
All the women in the Kingdom of Dickland were gathered together and forced to run down a fence-lined gauntlet. Up ahead, the path split in two and there was a sign over the left path that said “ADULTERESSES”.
At the end of the left path a large corral soon contained all the Adulteresses. All the men of Dickland surrounded the corral. Adulterers mixed freely with non-adulterers and all were armed with buckets of rocks. The object was to hurl the rocks and “Stone the Adulteresses”. Careful aim must be taken to avoid striking any adulteresses that any striker adulterated.
Today was different. Instead of Stoning the Adulteresses, an argument broke out among the men of Dickland about whether it was right to Stone the Adulteresses or whether it might be better to “Forgive the Adulteresses”.
Those who supported Stoning were demanding reasons why the Adulteresses should be Forgiven. Supporters of Forgiveness were demanding reasons for continuing the Stoning. Why rocks? Couldn’t they throw rice at them again like they did at the wedding… before they were Adulteresses?
Soon, the men of Dickland were very angry and some started to throw rocks at each other. All the Adulteresses huddled together. Suddenly, Jesus rode into the corral on a rodeo bull, which tried viciously to throw Jesus off but stopped as soon as it realized it was Jesus.
The men of Dickland were overjoyed to see Jesus and they asked Him what they should do. Should they Forgive the Adulteresses or throw rocks at them? Jesus said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”.
“Aaaaahhh….”, said the men. They started to discuss quietly but their voices grew from murmurs to shouts again. The fighting resumed more fiercely than ever with the men of Dickland hurling whole buckets at each other. Jesus was appalled and fired His six-gun several times into the air. The men froze and stared at Him.
“What in the Dad-durned Me-ness are you guys fighting about?” He asked. One of the men approached Him and fell to his knees and cried, “Oh Lord, who gets to throw the second one?”
After many days the Lord had come into the Kingdom of Dickland and confronted them about the Stoning of the Adulteresses.
After saving the Adulteresses from the angry mob of Dicklandians, Jesus spoke unto them and asked, “What do you men love the most about Dickland?” The Mayor stepped forward. “It’s right there on the Big Sign. ‘Welcome to Dickland, Where Dicks Come First’. See our neckties? They symbolize where our rights come from. Our ties are equal, so our rights are equal. Without the ties, we just don’t get along. With the ties, dicks can come first, and we still get along”. “Dicks come first!”, shouted the men in affirmation.
Jesus waited until the men calmed and said softly, “Don’t you have a soul?” “Of course we do”, said the Mayor, “and our souls will receive an eternal afterlife, isn’t that raght, Sir?” “That’s raght”, Jesus replied. The Mayor winked. “So… dicks come first… before the Afterlife.” “Dicks come first!”, shouted the Dicklandians in affirmation again. The Mayor turned to them and proclaimed, “That’s right, boys! Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em and while you got ‘em!” The men of Dickland cheered.
Jesus fired the remaining chambers into the air and miraculously sent the last bullet straight between the eyes of the Mayor. He fell back into a pool of blood. Jesus muttered, “Put that in your pants and zip it.”
He turned to the frightened, puzzled and Mayor-less men of Dickland.
“Women have souls and deserve the same rights as you Dicklander men. All should be forgiven of their adultery and all should go and sin no more.”
Grumblings were arising from the men. Jesus started to reload as the Dicklandians pushed and shoved around Him. They were all shouting at him. “That can’t work here. How can women have rights if they don’t have a dick?… What would they be for?… Where would they come from?… What do we do with the rocks?”
Jesus stood by the huddled Adulteresses. “You Dicklanders will have to grant them to the women and treat all of them, even the Adulteresses, as if they have souls. For I, Cowboy Jesus, have told you that they do.” Jesus spun, juggled and levitated his sixgun with amazing speed and then froze with it pointed at the dicks of Dickland. “Any questions?” The men chuckled. “You gonna shoot us all with that?” Jesus grinned and spat in the dirt. “I guess you missed the Fishes and Loaves Luncheon. Yes. I will. Women have souls and you will grant them rights. Or haven’t you got the dicks for that?”
The men looked stumped. “But then… how would dicks come first? It wouldn’t be Dickland if dicks didn’t come first.”
Jesus rolled his eyes. “I suppose dicks could still come first. It’s a leak in the right direction. Can you try to put the two together at least? Try it after me…dicks come first and women have souls… go ahead!”
“Dicks come first, then women have souls.” Jesus threw His hat into the dust. “No, no… Dicks come first and women have souls!” The men fell silent. “Wow”, they said, “You want them to have souls at the same time that we have dicks?”
“We don’t,” another man said. “Souls are for the afterlife. Dicks come first. Dicks have rights.” All the men nodded in affirmation and shouted together, “Dicks come first!”
Jesus fired another round into the air and all the men ducked. “Listen, dickheads… I gave you a chance to do it your way but you had to be dicks. Now I’m gonna have to let you have it… a Whole New Covenant. I am the Light and The Way and here is the New Way: Rights no longer come from dicks. From now on, rights come from souls. And dicks will just be dicks. I am certain as only the rootin’est tootin’est Son of a God could be… your dicks will be relieved of holding all those rights in. Cuz’ yer a gonna leak all those rights out, right now. Ever last drop. Ya hear? So, drop ‘em!”
The men of Dickland froze with their jaws agape. “Right here in the cold, oh Lord? We’re not accustomed to exposing the source of our rights in… you know, public. Can’t we just wear our ties?”
“So now you get my point,” Jesus said, “Until today, your system of rights was designed so your dicks could live together in peace. That world is over. Your New System of Rights is designed so all your souls can live together men and women alike. One day you will call them selves, but that can wait. Never mind the Afterlife. In this this world and all others, Souls Come First! C’mon… you’ve been clenching those rights for generations… all it takes is one whiz, and The New World is yours.”
The Dicklandians stood motionless with their trembling hands on their flies.
Jesus pull backed the hammer on His Piece and aimed to Grant It in their direction. “Now, you might be thinking about it…. whether to let it all go, or to cling to your modesty and let Me shoot you. You might be wondering… you’re in the back row and maybe Cowboy Jesus will run out of bullets before He gets to you. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. Do ya feel lucky? Well, do ya… dick?”
And now, the exciting Conclusion…
Scores lay dead in the town of Dickland. The Lord had brought A New Covenant to the Dicklandian men but they turned their eyes and their flies away from God and clung to the now impotent ways of old.
“What in the Dad-durned blazes is the matter with you guys? Welcome to Dickland, where dicks cower and die!” Jesus plugged three more of the cowering zipper-grippers. “This is too stupid to believe! Not one of you will take a whiz?” Three more dicks met their maker… and His gun. “Alright, I’ll make you a deal. If there are even a hundred dicks who release their rights, I will spare you all!” The Dicklandians looked around. “I don’t think there are a hundred of us left, Oh Lord.” Jesus clenched his jaw and lowered his pistol. “You dicks are taking advantage of my forgiving nature. If there are just ten empty bladders among you, I will spare you all.” Jesus turned his ear and listened.
“I don’t hear anything but… gunfire!” The Lord said as He shot five more. “Can you not find even one honest dick among you? I only have one bullet left but I shall smite you all with it. I’m a gonna count to three. If I don’t hear whizzin’ and lots of it, then I’m a lettin’ ya have it! One…. Two…”
Amidst the sounds of the trembling dicks, Jesus heard the cock of a shotgun behind Him and the sound of low feminine voice whispering in His ear. “Freeze, cross-bait. You so much as transubstantiate and I’ll blow your brains out …or whatever it is you’ve got in there.” One of the Adulteresses had snuck up behind Jesus and pulled a weapon from her hoop-skirt. “I mean it! You’ll be the Splattered Mess-siah if you don’t drop the dick-shooter right now.”
Jesus dropped His gun and raised His arms from the dead. “Are you crazy, Mary Fran? I just saved you from being stoned by these dicks! What were you going to do? That’s no magic gun.” Mary Fran spat on the ground before Him. “Your’s is not the power and the glory ever time! We had the double-barreled firepower to escape any time we wanted before you showed up. Isn’t that right, Frannie Mae?” The Adulteresses rose and stood in a row “C’mon, Mary Margeret, get ready to show your power!”
Jesus looked puzzled. “What power could you Adulteresses have in a town run by dicks?” The Adulteresses reached under their skirts and pulled out strings of large shiny beads. Jesus pursed his lips as He rolled his cigarette from one side to the other. “Some sort of magic beads? You girls been talking to Satan? We warned you ‘bout talking to Satan.”
Mary Fran poked the barrel into the back of Jesus’s neck. “We don’t need no help from some dick from Hell. Like I said, we got the power.” Another Adulteress became quite agitated and grabbed the gun from Mary Fran and pointed it at the Dicklander men. “We didn’t become adulteresses by having rocks thrown at us! None of us were alone at the time, but we’re all alone in the stoning coral! Howe cum?” The men responded through chattering teeth. “Cuz… dicks come first?”
“Never mind that now”, Mary Fran scolded, “and put your beads on!” All the Adulteresses put their bead strings around their necks.
Jesus shuffled his boots in the dust. “Their logic is easy, Maggie Fran. If you get rid of the Adulteresses, you get rid of adultery. Adultery is something that happens to them, not to you. What do you expect of a world where dicks come first?”
The Adulteresses lined up and faced the men. Mary Fran looked at Lord and said, “If dicks come first, how come they always follow boobs?” All at once, the Adulteresses lifted their blouses. The remaining few dozen Dicklandians let out a whoop and a hollar and began to dance around spraying each other with shaken cans of beer. They danced in a circle and tore of their shirts off to reveal brightly painted letters on their guts that lined up to spell “Dicks Come First!” over and over again. They butted their giant foam hats together and caroused in an orgy of drunken belching and fart sounds that ended with all the Dicklandians passed out in a small lake of beer, vomit and urine and surrounded by burning upturned horse carts.
The Adulteresses lowered their blouses. “See? We even got ‘em to whiz for ya. Now, what about those rights You said we had?”
“You got ‘em, Frannie Fran”, Jesus said as He picked up his gun. “Shall I finish off the dicks?”
“It’s Francis Frannie Fran, Lord. No… we will forgive the dicks. They won’t remember nothing when they wake up. …including who the Adulteresses were.”
Jesus holstered His Piece. “Looks like my work here is done. It’s time to saddle up. Where’s Brimstone, my terrible swift mule?” Jesus let out a loud whistle and Brimstone dutifully moseyed up behind Him. He mounted the steed and turned to ride out of town. One of the Adulteresses ran out in front of Him and lifted her shirt. “Don’t these have any power over you, Oh Lord? You’re scruffy and tattooed just like they are.”
“They’re nice, Maggie Frag, but I know why Pop put them there. Besides, I try to avoid earthly attachments… or being attached to the earth in any way.” Jesus tipped His hat with a scarred hand. “Ladies…”
And with that, Jesus, mounted on his trusty mule, along with the few groggy Dicklandians that became Disciples, spent the next three months riding into the sunset.